This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States.
The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for
I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this
end, please be advised about the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access
my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system
which, you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at
your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me
at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.

Press buttons as follows:

1 To make an appointment to see me
2 To query a missing repayment
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; (extension in
living room to be communicated at the time the call is received).
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. (extension in
bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.)
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

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